HOW DO I VOTE? WHERE IS MY POLLING PLACE? WHAT IF I'M NOT REGISTERED? I AM SO EXCITED TO VOTE THAT I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT ACCIDENTLY FORGET TO VOTE, I'VE DONE WEIRD, SELF-SABOTAGING THINGS LIKE THAT BEFORE. PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT GIVING MONEY TO BARACKOBAMA.COM, BUT THE FEAR OF LIVING IN A NEO-CONSERVATIVE HELL ISN'T ENOUGH INCENTIVE FOR ME. I WANT SOME KIND OF FUN REWARD FOR GIVING, LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, A VIDEO OF CARRIE BROWNSTEIN AND MIRANDA JULY WRESTLING WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER.

ACTUALLY, I'M PRETTY INTERESTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WHAT WOULD FEEL LIKE TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO ASKS ME TO THINK AND TAKE ACTION, INSTEAD OF BE TERRIFIED AND SHOP. SO I'LL JUST GIVE A DONATION DIRECTLY.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE CARRIE AND MIRANDA'S BORING OLD VIDEOS, BUT I'M UNDER 16 AND/OR NOT A U.S. CITIZEN SO I CAN'T LEGALLY DONATE DIRECTLY TO OBAMA. SO I'LL BUY THEIR VIDEOS BUT SHUT MY EYES.